‘Keep the developmental minds in mind when giving information’: Local psychologist on divorce and kids

With separation front and centre, a local neuropsychologist weighed in on how best to talk to children about divorce.

Dr. Milse Furtado with the Ottawa Centre for Resilience told The Sam Laprade Show on Thursday, Aug. 3, that ensuring the kids know the divorce is not their fault is the most important message to get across, regardless of age.

“The goal is to be as open and honest as you can, but as well, as age appropriate as you can be,” said Dr. Furtado. “Letting them understand that you’re still their mom, and dad is still their dad, and you’re still going to be family.”

The latest divorce data from Statistics Canada showed the number of divorces recorded in 2020 was the lowest since 1973. However, officials stated that barriers to accessing court services during the COVID-19 pandemic probably contributed to the decrease in divorce applications that year.

It’s not only the children affected by separation; it also affects those going through the divorce who have to manage their own feelings.

“It’s such a stressful time. Not only are you only dealing with your own emotions and your own grief about the end of a relationship, the end of a dream about how the family and the relationship is going to go,” explained Dr. Furtado.

She went on to say that when speaking to younger children between the ages of 3 and 6, it’s crucial to focus on safety, the house or the housing situation, and how the relationships between them and their parent will remain the same. For older kids, Dr. Furtado says parents should focus more on facts like the child’s place in the family and how important their relationship with each parent is.

When speaking to teenagers about the breakdown of the family dynamic, she says you can speak to them more adultly, as those between the ages of 13 and 18 can understand the nuances of relationships. However, Furtado said that it doesn’t necessarily mean that the parent needs to tell the child all the details about the divorce, but that you can speak with them more adultly.

“They understand the nuances of relationships and how things sometimes don’t work and that it’s totally okay to have a relationship that doesn’t work, but this is how we move forward,” she said.

Dr. Furtado explained there also doesn’t have to be only that one conversation about the separation and that you can update the information you give the kids.

“Always keep the developmental minds in mind when giving the information,” said Dr. Furtado.